My Man Cave
INT. - SUPER MEGA HOME FURNISHINGS AND ELECTRONICS STORE - DAY
TROY excitedly strolls through the Home Furnishings and Electronics Mega Store sliding glass doors with a swagger and pep that only a dad free of his wife and kids on a Saturday can have. Troy saunters up to the nearest Super Mega Home Furnishings and Electronics Store employee in the "Television and Home Entertainment" Section of the store. REID, wearing the store's trademark khaki pants and tucked in blue polo shirt, is standing watching the wall of TVs canned demo screen as Troy approaches.
TROY
Hey, can you...
Reid, without breaking his gaze from the TVs, reaches his arm out and puts his index finger up near Troy's face. The international signal for 'One minute.'
REID
(interrupting)
Shh. Shh. Shh. I love this part.
On all the different sized TV screens a blonde woman at a baseball game is seen taking a bite out of a hot dog.
REID
Yowza. What'd I'd give to be that hot dog.
(turning to Troy)
Allllllright, how can I help you?
TROY
(mouth slightly agape)
Uhh...ok...well... My wife and I recently purchased our first home, and I'm here to buy some stuff for my man cave but I'm not sure which...
REID
(interrupting)
Excellent. I have a primo set up in my man cave, well the Fap Fortress as I call it, but this place has everything you need to get set up!
Reid begins pointing around the store
REID
Over here, HD TVs to cast Reddit. There and there, shelving and end tables to hold all your necessary lubes and lotions. Right here, water-resistant faux leather La-Z-Boys, and over there, best of all, a fridge to store all your Totino's pizza rolls and Gatorades so you can easily re-fuel after you finish abusing yourself.
TROY
Fap Fortress? Cast Reddit? I'm not really trying to build a den of masturbation, I really just want a big screen TV to watch sports and movies.
REID
Dude, trust me. They've got EVERYTHING on Reddit. Amateur. Voyeur. Wife. Girlfriend. Emily Ratajkowski pre-milf. Emily Ratajkowski as Milf. Milf comma general. Swingers. Cuckers. Suckers. Butt sharpies. Lingerie Football. Lingerie Soccer. Lingerie Baseball. Lingerie Tennis. Lingerie go-carting. Chicks with...
TROY
(interrupting)
Ok! Got it! And, sorry, I'm not really a big Redditor.
REID
Oh, ok, no worries! These TVs can still cast PornHub, YouPorn, XTube, RedTube, Tube8, XXNX, OnlyFans, Twitter, Instagram, and VictoriasSecret.com/Angels.
TROY
I think you have a problem.
REID
You sound like my mom.
TROY
Whatever man. Is there anyone who works here that isn't constantly focused on jerking off?
REID
Oh, I don't work here.
TROY
What?! Why the hell are you dressed like that then?
REID
I always dress like this, these pricks have been stealing my style for years...
(looking off in the distance)
and I REALLY like that hot dog video.
A security guard, VINCE, is looking up and down the aisles of the store. He spots Reid and runs down the aisle towards him.
VINCE
(over the radio)
I got 'em
(To Reid)
You again! I knew it was you when I found the watermelon lube all over the sound bars!
REID
Uh Oh! Gotta go!
Reid turns and runs as Troy looks in awe. He watches as Vince sprints past him and tackles Reid. Reid struggles and flails violently to escape from Vince.
REID
NO! VINCE! GET OFF ME! NO! NO! I WAS SO CLOSE! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!
BLACKOUT.
