Bane 2021
INT — LARGE SUBURBAN HOME — HALLOWEEN NIGHT
MARSHA and NICK are hosting their 4th annual neighborhood Halloween party. Their home is full of guests all dressed in different costumes who are enjoying typical Halloween party festivities. Nick is holding court in the living room, several other men at the party are looking intently at Nick as he shares the story behind his costume. Nick is wearing khakis with a blue short sleeve shirted tucked in, a red tie, and a MAGA hat. He is also carrying a tiki torch.
NICK
So I’m a young Republican, ya get it?!
The group erupts in laughter. Nick puts his hand up and gets a couple of high fives from the other men in the group. PADDY, who is wearing a full latex Dom outfit and a ball gag in his mouth, approaches the group.
PADDY
(muffled)
What’re we laughing at guys?
The group looks at him puzzled.
REGGIE
Dude, you need to take that thing out of your mouth. We can’t understand you.
Paddy removes the ball gag from his mouth.
PADDY
Oh! Sorry! That’s like the main part of my costume…
REGGIE
(Interrupting)
Yeah, what the hell are you anyway? One of those dominatrixes or something?
PADDY
Dom..in.. what? No! Dude haven’t you seen those Christian Bale Batman movies?!
(impersonating Tom Hardy as Bane in ‘Dark Knight Rises’)
I was born in the darkness
The group looks at him blankly.
PADDY
Nothing?…Really?
Paddy puts the ball gag back in his mouth
PADDY
(still impersonating Bane and flexing)
I’m Bane! The fire rises!
The group continues to stare at him, now confused.
NICK
Uh… what? Have you even seen the movie?
PADDY
Well, I watched some clips on YouTube but…if I’m being honest…no…
REGGIE
Dude you look like SVP of procurement at Kinky Freaks ‘R’ Us or something!
Nick and Reggie high five.
NICK
Nice one Reg.
(beat)
My head is spinning right now. There is so much to unpack here.
PADDY
Nick, if I may.
NICK
Uh, yeah, please. Enlighten us.
PADDY
Well honestly, I’ve been trying not to think about this, but it all makes a lot of sense now.
Paddy let’s out a deep sigh.
PADDY
You see, it all started after our second kid was born. My wife was sort of sad, and a little flabby, so for Stella to get her groove back I suggested that she takes a workout class to get some endorphins goin’ and de-stress! And, after some trial and error she ended up finding Tae Bo. She said the combination of stress relief from the kicky punchy and Billy Blank’s hard personality was really helping her feel like her old self. She was getting fit, looking better than ever, and believe me it wasn’t hurting things in the bedroom either…
(beat)
Until it was….
(beat)
So the other night, the wife and I were getting a little frisky ya know? And just as things are heating up she turns to me and says “I want to tie you up and have my way with you!” And in my head I’m like “Hell yeah, this will be frickin’ sweet!”
(beat)
So next thing I know I’m tied up spread eagle, but face down… which I thought was odd, but I’ve never been tied up so what do I know?
Paddy lets out another deep sigh. He’s beginning to look distraught.
PADDY
Then, I see out of the corner of my eye that my wife is rustling through her gym bag and putting on one of her Tae Bo boxing gloves, and that’s when she starts repeatedly wailing on my bare anus, laughing maniacally throughout the whole ordeal
REGGIE
Jesus.
Reggie looks across the room at Paddy’s wife JENNY, dressed in a ‘sexy’ cop costume. She is holding a cocktail while laughing and smiling with group of costumed women. She then mimes a hard overhand punching motion. She looks up and catches eyes with Reggie. She smiles and raises her drink to him. He nervously smiles back.
PADDY
Yeah… and then when she was finished, she untied me and went into her nightstand drawer, threw this costume at and said “Here, this is your costume for Nick’s dumbass Halloween party,” and when I asked her what it was, she said “Bane.” And since I hadn’t seen the movie and was still in shock so I just rolled with it.
REGGIE
W.T. Fuck?!
Reggie puts his hand up for a high five from Nick, who puts his hand up, but then rescinds.
NICK
Paddy, I’m sorry I made fun of you. I’m actually a cuck for Halloween, so I guess we’re twinning? How ‘bout that?
Nick puts his hand up for a high five from Paddy.
NICK
Up top!
PADDY
Please don’t punch my anus.
BLACKOUT.
