Getting Pwned
INT - APPLE MART EVERYTHING STORE - DAY
CONNOR, an Apple Mart Everything Store Employee, paces nervously at his register. He is biting nails and seems fixated on a customer at the store, MARGIE. Connor tracks Margie with his eyes as she casually carries out her shopping, ticking item after item off of her list. She finally arrives at the checkout registers and takes stock to see which one has the shortest line.
CONNOR
(muttering to himself)
Oh geez. Oh man. Not this line. Please.
(beat, still muttering)
Oh no. Here she comes. She's gonna pwn me. I really don't want to get pwned again. I always get pwned. Please not here.
Margie notices Connor's register is open with no one in line. She scuttles over to his line with her cart and starts unloading her things onto the belt.
MARGIE
Hi there! How're you...
CONNOR
(interrupting)
Please don't pwn me!!!!
MARGIE
Huh? Don't what?
CONNOR
(seriously)
Please. Don't. PWN. ME.
MARGIE
Um. Alright, I won't pwn you?
Connor stares at Margie in silence and for an awkwardly long time. They lock eyes and Margie freezes in the middle of unloading her things.
CONNOR
DON'T PWN ME!!!
MARGIE
Wahh! I won't!!
CONNOR
Fine. You've got one chance.
Margie, slightly shook from the interaction, begins unloading her groceries again. She puts several 'Live, Laugh, Love' signs and bottles of vodka on the belt.
CONNOR
Is this a frickin' joke? I literally just said 'Don't pwn me.'
MARGIE
I'm not trying to pwn you! Honestly, I just want to buy these things and get out of here.
CONNOR
I only know one person with 5 plus 'Live, Laugh, Love' signs. You must know her.
(beat)
She sent you didn't she?! She wants you to pwn me! AGAIN!
MARGIE
No! What're you talking about?!
CONNOR
Admit it! My step-mom sent you! You're bringing these signs to one of her infamous vodka parties!
Connor waves the 'Live, Laugh, Love' signs in Margie's face and then slams them down on the belt.
MARGIE
No! Listen! I have no clue who your step-mom is! Can you please just check me out?!
CONNOR
What the heck?! You're STILL trying to pwn me. All I ask is that you don't pwn me, and here you are trying to pwn me. Unreal.
(beat, off screen to another employee)
Hey! Ted! this lady thinks she can PWN ME! NO WAY! NOT THIS TIME!
(beat)
Listen lady, I've been pwned so many times I'm practically im-pwnable! Live, Laugh, Love, what does that even mean?!
Connor glares at Margie angrily. She throws her hands up in frustration.
MARGIE
What are you talking about you little weirdo?! These signs are for my lake house!
CONNOR
That's exactly what she would say!
(beat)
Ya know what? People like you and my step-mom walk around like you can just pwn everyone and everything.
MARGIE
People like me?! How dare you! That's profiling!
(beat)
We live in America, you can't profile people based on their love for vodka and cute decorative signs!
(beat)
You need to get your manager over here. Now!
Suddenly, the store manager, MIKE, arrives to try and defuse the situation.
MIKE
Whoa. Whoa. Let's just calm for a sec. Miss what seems to be the problem?
MARGIE
For some reason this kid keeps thinking I am going to pwn him.
Mike looks at Connor disappointedly.
MIKE
Connor, buddy, your stepmother has been banned from this store. That's a direct order from regional management. It was designed to keep you free from pwnage. Remember?
CONNOR
Oh yeah, I remember, captain.
MIKE
Sorry, miss. He'll finish ringing you up now. There shouldn't be any more problems.
Mike winks at Margie and walks off.
CONNOR
(sighing, defeatedly to Margie)
I frickin' knew you'd pwn me. I could just tell.
Tears begin to well up in Connor's eyes.
CONNOR
I always get pwned.
BLACKOUT.
